Welcome to Phish

Squeezed between a barefoot, tie dyed, and dreaded 20 something and a girl with a painted face hidden under a feathered headdress, I handed over my ticket to a security guard. As my ticket was torn in half and handed back, the steady sound of a heartbeat and Trey’s voice bellowing “In the cool shade of a banana tree” pranced about in the air around me. I broke my way through the barricade of people, and made my way onto the field. A sea full of tie-dye, glow sticks, and ecstatic, swaying bodies greeted me. “Oooh, Fee, you’re trying to live a life that’s completely free!”  Thousands of people swayed and grooved together in one mass of pure joy. As soon as I had stepped into the crowd, I was absorbed into the collective rhythm of swaying, dancing, feeling, being. By the time I had found my place in the crowd, the riffs and chords of Fee had melted effortlessly into the playful beginning of Rift. I had been to a concert before; the mass of sweaty dancing bodies was nothing new to me. But never before, in all my years of music obsession and concert attending, have I seen or felt such a connection to every single person in a crowd. Each note reverberating off of Trey’s guitar, every pluck of Mike’s bass, every key hit by Page, and every cymbal crashed by Fishman, each and every one, resonated in my very being. Before I knew what was happening, I wasn’t just feeling the music, I was moving with it. Without a single thought my body submitted to the rhythm, to the groove, and I was dancing. This wasn’t the simple bob of the head, the casual sway of the hips, or even the widely forbidden ‘grind;’ this was a genre all its own.  My arms wove in and out of each other; my knees gave to the rhythm, my feet kicked, and my head swayed in rhythmic ecstasy. I made my way through the sea of ‘phans,’ constantly grooving and weaving in and out of dancing strangers.  As I migrated closer and closer to the stage, the source of my ecstasy, my hand was grabbed. I was spun around to face a man wearing a kilt and a tie dyed Grateful Dead shirt that was down on one knee in front of me. He held my hand in his, looked into my eyes, and sang along, “Reba dip a ladle for a taste of her creation, and she knew that what she made would be the finest in the nation.” He simply kissed the back of my hand, and grooved on out of my life, just as quickly as he had entered it. Pleasantly flustered, I continued my pilgrimage towards the stage. All around me were smiling, dancing people, many of whom greeted me with nods, hugs, pats on the shoulder, and simple exchanges of joyous energy. As I turn to my right, I see my friend Rachel, grooving to the music that filled the atmosphere. My focus is drawn to a girl with a flower in her hair, latched to her partner by the hand, skipping towards us. She stops directly in front of Rachel, places her lips on hers, and whispers, “hey there, beautiful!” into her ear. Rachel stands motionless, stunned. My body continues to sway and dance, and I laugh in rhythm to the music. Each ridiculous moment, the serenading kilted stranger, the flowered kisser, the headdress-adorned boy who was aptly referred to as “chief,” each moment and interaction wove in and out of each other in a beautifully chaotic dance of life. “Pantomime mixtures of heaven and earth, jumbled events that have less than no worth.” Words, notes, chords, lyrics, harmonies, melodies, smiles, energies, ecstasies; a beautifully chaotic dance of life.  Hours had passed, the first set had come and gone, and the second set was coming to a close, but my body and soul still grooved to the music that was overflowing my very being.  And with the final line, ‘got blank space where my mind should be, space where my mind should be” the lights dimmed and my body slowed down to a standstill. For a brief moment, the crowd was eerily silent, mourning the end of a musical journey. Before I even had time to reflect upon what had just happened, an azure light lit up the crowd, and the melodic beginning riff of Sleeping Monkey restarted the inner groove of every ‘phan.’  The slow cadence of music forced my body back into the ecstatic dance that had become brilliantly familiar to me over the course of the night. Soon my voice went up in song along with every other ‘phan’ in the crowd, along with the man in the kilt, along with the girl with the flower in her hair, and along with the boy in the headdress. “Home on the train, why’d you send my monkey home on the train? The day that you arrived, my sleeping monkey is revived, but you sent him home on the train.”   As Trey’s voice trailed off into the cool summer’s night air, he struck the unmistakable first chord of Tweezer Reprise. A shot of adrenaline pumped through my veins, and my exhausted body grooved more fiercely than it ever had. Every single cell in my body was dancing, singing, feeling, and becoming the music. To this day, I can see Trey jumping about the stage and playing that infamous riff. The lights flashed in a chaotic finale, and the song was over. Trey’s voice filled my ears, “you know what, we’re all having such a great time, and we’ve only got a couple minutes before they kick us off the stage, and we played, uh, Tweezer in Hershey Park, but we never did Tweezer Reprise, so we’re going to play it again! This is for Hershey Park!” And with that single monologue began the most beautiful, ecstatic, and euphoric 4 minutes and 12 seconds of my life.  Tweezer Reprise began all over again, but this time it was even funkier, even more energetic, even more perfect. I no longer danced with the music, I became the music. My energy flowed into that with the person dancing next to me, and his into the person next to him, and everyone was connected and dancing as one, sharing this historic moment in jam history. Tweezer Reprise Reprise. And just like that, it was over. The lights went down for the final time that evening. The man I had been dancing near reached towards me and shook my hand, introducing himself as Matt. As we began the mass exodus out of the concert venue, Rachel, Matt, and I exchanged stories. Matt told us of a marriage proposal, and Rachel relived being kissed by a mysterious woman. Before we parted ways, Matt blew a strand of bubbles in our direction, and yelled, “welcome to Phish!” as he skipped away. Just like that, the evening that taught me to feel music, to be music, to really love and become one with music, was over. I had entered a whole new way of life, and with a smile on my face; I repeated those sacred words to myself, Welcome to Phish.

Stop.

Don't let it sneak up on you like this.
Don't do this to yourself again.

Don't let yourself feel this way again.

Don't let this drag you down again.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

I can't let this break me this time. 

I thought I beat this thing...

I thought I was stronger than it. 

Stop.
Relax.
Breathe.


This will not define me.
Not this time.
I will not lose myself in this.
Not this time.


Stop.
Find your center.
Breathe.

Elements

The other day I found myself asking a good friend, "what is your favorite element, earth, air, fire, or water?" I did not know what kind of answer to expect, or even what my answer would be if I were to ask myself. I was simply taken over by an utter devotion and adoration of the elements that create the world we live in, and I couldn't help but to inquire the insight of an individual whom I both respect and admire. But as I started to toss the question around in my mind, I began to realize how complex a question it was.


Earth, Fire, Air, and Water are known as the Classical Elements, and versions of these elements have been recognized, worshipped, studied, and respected by cultures and civilizations across the globe and throughout history. From Babylon, to Greece; from Tibet and India to Egypt, the elements have been recognized as the core of life since the very beginning of time. They represent not only the building blocks of our world, but also characteristics and tendencies of human nature that reside within each of us. In Hinduism, it is understood that when we die, our body dissolves into the classical elements, and thus we balance the cycle of nature. In Buddhism it is said that each of the four elements represent one of the four sensory qualities necessary to reach enlightenment: solidity, fluidity, temperature, and mobility. In Taoism, it is written that balance, yin and yang, is achieved by the cycle of creation and destruction that comes from the interaction between the classical elements. The four elements reside at the very core of almost every ancient culture, both literally and metaphysically. As I continued to explore the classical elements, I realized that to choose which I connected to the most, I would have to fully understand each of the four elements both on their own, and in conjunction with the other three. I couldn't come to such a decision regarding such powerful forces without first understanding each element and everything it represents.

Earth. 

Earth is stable, earth is nurturing, earth is grounding. 

Earth is at the center of our very existence. 

Earth is the dust from which we are formed, 

and the dust into which we will become once we die. 

From earth comes all life, all lushness, all wealth, and all beauty.

From earth comes stability, 

literal understanding,

nurturing support.

Earth is the roots of our very existence. It grounds us; 

anchors us;

reminds us to be humble. 

Earth is the mountains,

the valleys,

the bed from which plants grow,

and in which creatures live. 

Earth is at our very core. 

It is the template from which we are formed.

It is the substance of which we are made.

Water.

Water is flowing, purifying, soothing, loving and healing. 

It can assume any shape, fill any holes.

It is free of any true form.

It sculpts, and it nourishes. 

It creates and it destroys. 

The water that makes up 70% of our body; 

the water that is essential to our very existence,

can crush us with its raw power,

it can suffocate us

it can tear down our homes. 

Water is an element of power far beyond ourselves.

It is the source of all life,

yet can be the cause of death. 

Water is fluid, it is ever changing

from a peaceful stream to a raging river

Water is divine. 

Water can quench our thirst,

heal our wounds,

water our gardens, our flowers, our trees. 

It is a thing of other worldly beauty and cosmic power.

It is the elixir of life, 

yet it cannot be tamed.

Peaceful, soothing, forceful and deadly.

Water sculpts the earth,

nourishes the earth.

It is essential to every moment of life, 

yet can take a life in a moment.

Air.

Air is an invisible force, 

capable of breathing life into us,

 or blowing away everything we have worked for.

Air is soothing, life giving, unpredictable, and playful.

Air represents all that we cannot see: 

our minds, our spirits, our hearts. 

Air can remain still, or air can come at us in gusts of wind.

It represents the calm before the storm, 

and the chaos within it.

Without air, we are nothing,

yet we cannot forget that air can sweep us in the wrong direction.

Air, with time, can shape the grandest mountain,

direct the wildest river,

spread the most blazing fire.

Air is pure.

Air is subtle.

Air is whimsical.

Air is gentle.

Air is manipulative,

it is powerful,

it is unyielding.

Air fills our lungs and allows us to live, 

yet air creates the tornados that tear apart our earth.

Air is invisible and unpredictable.

Yet this unpredictable force is what sustains our very lives.

Air carries us.

Fire.

Fire is passionate. Fire is impulsive. Fire is dangerous.

Fire is warmth and fire is disaster.

It can cook our food, heat our homes,

and it can burn our world to the ground. 

It can clear paths for new life,

or end life too early. 

It is unyielding, it is driven.

It consumes. 

Yet fire is life. 

Fire is the sun; 

the force that fuels the life of virtually every organism on earth, 

yet in an instant, it can destroy this life.

Fire creates.

Fire transforms;

wood to ash

candle to wax

forest to a barren field.

Fire destroys

but this destruction leaves room for new creations.

For new beginnings.

Fire cleanses with passionate destruction.

The heat of fire is essential to life, 

and to reap its benefits, 

we must wager with the chance of death.

After all this exploration, after all this reflection, after all this thought I have still yet to scratch the surface of the significance, power, and meaning behind the elements. I have yet to fully understand the raw might of fire, the sturdiness of earth, the powerful yet peaceful flow of water, and the invisible force of air. I have yet to comprehend the balance between the elements, the continuous cycle of destruction and creation; death and rebirth. I have yet to find which element truly flows within me, though I have my ideas. Yet what I do know is this: everyday, every moment, I am in the presence of these elements. I experience their interactions, their effects on my environment, their raw power. I only exist because of these elements. I exist because I am these elements. Each one, so seemingly simple, makes up a part of life more complex and interwoven with the universe as a whole than I can ever truly understand. These elements are the very core of life, of existence, of enlightenment, and I have only begun to understand them. While so many things in life are as uncertain as the direction of the wind, I can be sure of this: no matter where I go or who I become, the elements will eternally be a part of me, for they have created me. And one day, they too, will destroy me. 

Reminder

Last night I found myself outside on my front porch for close to two hours watching the skies as a massive thunderstorm rolled in. I watched as the storm surrounded me. I watched as the rain started to fall, and the lightning flashed in every direction. I watched as the rolls of thunder resonated deep within my core. I stood there, nearly unmoving, despite the rain, despite the lightning, despite the thunder, absolutely awestruck. Awestruck by the sheer power of nature, the beauty of nature, the elegance of nature. I was rendered speechless by the poetic destruction and the lyrical chaos. And while a thunderstorm seems so typical during these long, humid summer evenings, each one never fails to astound me. Each clap of thunder and bolt of lightning is a reminder of how mysterious, raw, and unique every force of nature is. Every natural phenomenon, no matter how large or small, reminds us how astounding the universe is.

Nature is, for lack of a better term, absolutely incredible. The surface of our earth is riddled with beauty that far surpasses even the most valuable of man made creations. From the peaks of the Himalayas, to the depths of the Grand Canyon. From the great sequoia trees, to the wildflowers littering Yosemite Valley. From the stars and planets that create our universe, to the specks of sand that form our beaches; every piece of the natural world is meaningful and beautiful on a level far beyond any human comprehension. So often we forget that, as human beings, we too are a part of nature. That we too, are not superior, but rather an essential part of the flow of life and the function of earth as a whole. We forget that the earth is not at our disposal, that nature is not an endless resource of materials meant to benefit us and us only. We must remember, and we must remember now, that we are to live in harmony with nature; that we are to live as part of nature, that we are to respect nature as much, if not more, as we respect ourselves. It is a Hindi belief that things must be destroyed for new things to created. But the human race is destroying at a pace too quick for nature to keep up with. We are working against nature. We are creating substances and devices that modify and destroy the natural beauty of the world from which our very atoms were formed. We are uprooting our very own existence, and we hardly even realize it, we hardly even realize that we are slowly destroying our earth. As a species, we need to take a step back, and take a long look at nature. We need to relearn how to appreciate the beauty, the danger, the impermanence, the nourishment, and the inspiration that nature provides. We need to learn from nature. We can learn that death is just as much a part of living as life is. This we can learn from the Redwood forest; a forest so dependent on forest fires to clear away the dead trees and the brush to make room for new life. We can learn that even the most seemingly stedfast things in life are ever changing. This we can learn from the glaciers that slowly shape our mountain ranges. There is an innumerable amount of lessons to be learned from nature, for our environment is the greatest teacher we will ever have. This truth can be so easily forgotten. But nature never fails to send us a sign, such as thunderstorm, to remind us of the raw power and significance behind everything our earth is home to.

Cohesive

Our planet is home to upwards of 7,015,000,000 people. That is 7 billion unique personalities. 7 billion unique sets of values. 7 billion unique points of view, unique ideas, unique minds, and unique outlooks. How, in a world of an infinitely growing and intangibly sized population, can we expect to find someone like us? How can we expect to find our other half? How can we expect to stumble upon those few who truly bring out the best in us, understand us, better us? Out of 7 billion people, do we really think we will lucky enough to locate our twin flame, our soul mates; the ones who have the power to bring out the best from the depths of our souls? In a world so vast and mysterious; so intricate and ever-changing, a sense of loneliness is inevitable. A sense of alienation amidst the chaos is undeniable. A sense of perpetual aimlessness constantly nags at the soul. So many of us spend years, and even decades, wandering the terrain of the earth alone, our own beacon, our own reflection. We are surrounded by billions, and yet, we remain alone in our thoughts and ambitions. We remain alone, the single planet suspended in the galaxies of our own inner universe. Yet the true tragedy is this: We know not that we are alone. We see our classmates, our teachers, our family, and our friends, and we think, 'we are not alone.' But step back, are these individuals truly with you? Invested in you? Do they really understand you, care for you? Are they a part of you, a extension of your very being? Do these people water the seeds of your thoughts, do they pick the fruit from the trees of your imagination? Are these people merely accessories to your human existance, or are they vital to the journey in which your soul is propelled into new realms of understanding? The chances are that these people are merely just acquaintances, they have no understanding of you, nor the ability to help your being grow from a single seed, a single idea, into a forest of thought. The chances are that you'll never truly realize how lonely you are, how alone you were, until someone comes into your life and changes that. 

It is not often that someone comes into your life who you can relate to on such a deep level. On such a level that every single molecule in your body is filled with adoration, respect, and understanding. It is not often that you find someone who understands you, encourages you, and inspires you in such a way that every ounce of your being is affected by this positivity. But it is the fact that this unity, this understanding, this cohesiveness is so rare and unique, it is this that makes it so powerful. For when you do find someone who understands you on such a level that it transcends all definitions of love and friendship, you reach a state of happiness and existance that one can simply not reach on their own. You are no longer alone. I am no longer alone. I am lucky enough to have found not just one of these individuals, but a handful. A handful of beautiful, powerful, life changing individuals who come from all over. One lives in the deserts of New Mexico, one among the bustling of Los Angeles, one is galavanting around Clinton, NY, and one in North Adams, MA. But perhaps the most meaningful, influential, and loving one of them all lives right here. It is this human being whom I hold in the highest regard; for whom I have the most respect, and adoration. This level of affection does not fall under any conventional definition of a friendship or a relationship of any sort. This level of cohesiveness is something so other worldly, so rare, so unique that it cannot be explained by a single word or phrase. It is the product of growth and inspiration. Dedication and compassion. The desire to understand, and the ability to do so fully. It is a bond formed not by time or  age, but by mutual understanding, respect, and support. This is not a friendship defined by inside jokes (though they exist, no doubt) or hours spent together (though many were had). This is a friendship built on the foundation of genuine caring, selfless devotion, innate understanding, and organic inspiration. A friendship so unique and valuable that the discovery of it makes me wonder how I ever went through life without it. It has become as essential to my living as oxygen to my lungs. This level of beauty within a friendship is a testimony to the very friend himself. Only a being of such creativity, selflessness, open-mindedness, and compassion could be capable of supporting such a friendship. One in which growth and creation occur with every utterance. One in which each collective breath takes us deeper into understanding. One in which silence is just as powerful as speech. One in which a conversation is not just small talk, but life changing revelations. This is a friendship of days spent star gazing, sharing ideas. Ideas for art, ideas to change the world. A friendship of nights spent watching the waves, sharing thoughts and opinions. Thoughts on God, love, life, death, and everything in between. This is a friendship based not on the external, but the internal. A relationship in which our two separate universes combine into one. 

I do not know where I would be in life if I were still wandering this earth on my own. I don't know where I would be had I not found you; someone who understands my inner workings, who inspires me to create, who encourages me to work through the pain, the despair, the doubt. I wouldn't be where I am, I couldn't be. The path to my true happiness; my enlightened state, has always existed, you have just cleared the way, and lead me down it.

So this, my friend, is an homage to you. 

Pause

So often we find ourselves caught up in the tangles of conformity and trapped by the walls of what is considered to be socially acceptable. We find ourselves lusting over unnecessary accessories that are being shoved down our throats by advertisements and the media. We begin to hardly even notice the corruption and manipulation that is constantly pulsating throughout our lives and fueling the society we live in. We get caught up in it. We become blinded by it. We become part of it. We start to worry about how much battery our iPhones have left, or if our favorite pair of pants are clean. We get upset that the grocery store is out of our favorite ice cream. We get mad at our closest friends for the smallest of things. These are trivial things, petty things; but we are all guilty of this. Every single one of us; you, me, him, and she. Every single one of us are victims of human nature. But it is now, when you are just starting to get lost in all of this, in every lie and fib society has you believing, in every unnecessary desire and illogical concern, it is now, before you are in too deep, that you just need to stop, step back, and take a moment. Just, 

Pause.

What are you doing? You're unhappy, but for what? Because you have to wake up early? Because you can't get tickets for a concert? Because you can't find the movie you want on netflix? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Reflect. Reconsider. Remember what you have. And just, 

Pause.

You are beautiful. The life you live is beautiful. The world we are part of is beautiful. Remember this, appreciate this. What are you complaining about? What can you complain about? How can you be so unhappy when flowers exist, when mountains rise far above the earth, when the ocean tide sweeps in and out every day? How can you be upset when trees tower in the forests, when the sun rises each day, when the moon rises each night? How can you question happiness, joy, beauty, anything when love exists? You can't, as long as you remember these things. As long as you take the time to pull yourself away from the corrupt smog of society, and breath some fresh air.  Take a long look at your life. Take a long look at the world. You have so much to be happy about. You have so much to be thankful for. Think of the people in your life. Think of the people who mean the most. Can you really, truly be unhappy when they are there for you; with you? Can you really complain when that much affection and understanding exists within you and around you? Think of the beauty that surrounds you. Think of the the earth we inhabit. Can you really be unhappy when something so incredible, so unimaginable, so magical is our home? Can you complain when there are mountains and trees and oceans and rivers there to greet us every morning? Think of music; think of art. Can you really be unhappy when something original, something beautiful, something unique can be created with the pluck of a string, the stroke of a brush, a burst of imagination? How can you even begin to question happiness when love exists? It doesn't matter if you do not have it right there in front of you. The mere fact that love is a feeling, a state of existence, that is attainable, that is possible, that is out there... that should be enough to keep the light in your eyes for all of the time you can keep air in your lungs. With all of this in existence, friends, nature, art, love, with all of this, how can you possibly find something truly worth complaining about? Realize what you have, realize the happiness that you can achieve, but do not take it for granted. Do not get so caught up in it that you don't realize the other side of reality; the dark side of the moon. Before you get too carried away in your own fortune, in your own life's beauty; you need to sit back, reflect, take a moment, and just, 

Pause.

Don't ever forget how beautiful you are; how beautiful your life is. But also never forget that there is adversity out there. People suffer every day. People struggle every day. There is genocide. Murder. Theft. Torture. Hunger. Poverty. There is so much to worry about, to fix, to cure. There are so many people who lead such difficult lives. Don't ever forget this.

Don't ever forget about the reality of the world.

Don't ever forget how truly lucky you are.

Don't ever forget to be thankful for what you have. 

And don't ever forget to share your happiness with those who may not have found that beauty in their lives yet. 

Next time you find yourself upset, concerned, or angry  just take a moment to Pause. Think about it. Think about love. Think about nature. Think about music. Think about art. Think about everything you have and how lucky you are. Think about how much beauty exists in the world. And think about the people in the world who may not be as fortunate as you. This world doesn't necessarily just need people to invent, discover, and explore. They need people like you, like me, people who can be truly happy, people who can change the world with the very positivity, ambition, and love that every person should strive for. 

You are capable of happiness. You are capable of love. Don't pass that opportunity up because of societies definition of happiness.

Don't believe their definition.

Don't believe them.

Find happiness in the things that cannot be defined.

Pause.

And define happiness for yourself. 

Existence

What am I? 

I am one human being out of the seven billion that live on Earth.

Earth is just one planet out of the eight in our solar system.

Our solar system is just one out of the one hundred billion solar systems in this galaxy. 

This galaxy is just one out of one hundred billion galaxies in the known universe.

And it doesn't stop there, the unknown reaches out into infinity. If you look at it with this perspective, we seem so utterly insignificant. We are just a drop of water in the infinite ocean of the universe. But we so often forget to acknowledge the fact that the ocean is made up of millions of water droplets, and without each drop of water, the ocean does not exist. When you zoom back in, through the billions of galaxies and solar systems; through all of the planets and the billions of people; when you zoom back into yourself you will realize that although you are such a microscopic part of this world, you are still you. You have the ability to create art, to write a song; you have people who love you and depend on you; you have fingerprints unique and exclusive to only you. You are enormously significant. You, yourself, are your own universe, capable of creation and destruction. Each of us, each unique universe, uniquely contributes to the personality of our planet, our solar system, our galaxy as a whole.  Even when you feel insignificant, even when there is so much evidence to back up that you, truly, are just a speck of dust floating aimlessly in the universe's atmosphere, remember this:

You are the only you in existence.

You have the power  to create.

You have free will.

You can choose your role in this world.

You can chose what direction you go in.

You can chose what you wear.

What you do.

What you say.

What you love.

What you hate.

You have the ability to think.

To feel.

To hurt.

And to be.

You may think you are insignificant, but you are you.
And that is exactly what this universe needs. 

Take hold of who you are and the time you have on this planet. Do all you want to do. Be all you want to be. And don't ever let the scale of the universe drag you down. Instead, remember, "the entire universe is inside you." Don't stop. Don't wait for anything. Who knows how long we will be here for? Who knows how long our earth will be here for. On one of the other seven planets we share our solar system with, Mars, scientists recently discovered magnetism in old, volcanic rock on the surface. This proves that once, Mars, much like our very own planet, had a magnetic field around it. Mars, once upon a time, could have been a planet just like ours. With a magnetic field, it could have had an atmosphere, protected from solar storms and been capable of sustaining life. And then its magnetic field disappeared, leaving the surface of the planet to be stripped by the waves of cosmic power that surge through the universe. Here on earth, our magnetic field is rapidly losing power. Are we next? Are we to become a barren, lifeless planet? And if so, does it really matter? Our planet is just as insignificant as each of us are. It is just one piece of the infinitely growing and changing cosmic puzzle. As our earth has a magnetic field emanating from its core, we too, each have a powerful field emanating from our hearts. We die, and our magnetic field flickers out. Our earth, too, is mortal. We are each our own planet, our own universe. Keep that in mind next time you feel insignificant. Because, if you believe our planet is so important, remember, you are a planet too. 

You are nothing; you are everything

You are you.

And you won't be here forever.