Clockwork

        Time, they say, may not exist.
        Time, it's a simple illusion.
        Time, you say, is in our heads;
        Time, just an intricate delusion.

  But now, you say, is not
  The time.
  The time is not now,
  indeed.
  For if time does not exist,
  Then will it ever be time for me?

                              Does the moon wax and wane
                              Do the tides rise and fall
                              Does it happen as time carries on?
                              Or do we just put a limit
                              On the cycles of the earth;
                              Does time even exist at all?

         It's starting to feel
         like what was once said
         was far too good to be true.
         It's starting to feel
         like the hands on my clock
         are spinning a bit askew.

                      All I know,
                      all that I can be sure of
                      is that the moon will rise at night.
                      I can count on the stars
                      the planets
                      my scars
                      to remind me to take my flight.

My flight from reality,
far away from the pain,
and away from the joy of it, too.
My flight from my body,
far away from the sane
and away from my limited view.

                                 Time, they say, may not exist.
                                 Time, it's a simple illusion.
                                 Time, you say, is in our heads;
                                 Time, just an intricate delusion.

 But now, you say, is not
 The time.
 The time is not now,
  indeed.
 For if time does not exist,
 Then will it ever be time for me?

so it seems.

not quite enough.

How Far Away?

Often times when I find myself staring up at the night sky, I am reminded of something Nietzsche once said, "When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." But to me, the abyss, the endless stars and space stretching far into eternity, doesn't just gaze, it pierces deep into my soul and forces me to ask questions that often have no answer; questions beyond my limits, questions that push me far from what I once accepted as truth. One evening as I lost myself in the stars above, my friend lying next to me, equally as lost in the vastness of our universe, uttered the question, How far away? For me, this question gave rise to hundreds of other questions, to thoughts, to ideas, to emotions and to fears. For him, I do not know what exactly this question means, (though this is not to say that I don't long to find out), and while what I am writing is directly related to how his very words effected and continue to effect me, there is no way for me to know if I am doing his thought, his mind, even remote justice. How far away, he asked. My answer to him was only a sigh, a sigh loaded with heaviness, for I didn't even know how to begin. I was instantly consumed by my thoughts, both obvious and obscure; blatant and bizarre. How far away are the stars? How far away are you and I? And what is in this distance, what fills that void? What is between me and that burning, destructive, unstable mass of gas suspended in space? What lies between my soul and yours? The stars, at first, seem so tangible. So close. So familiar. But as you gaze deep into the space in which they call home, you can only just begin to grasp the distance. You can only begin to understand that these aren't just specks in the sky. How far away? A question so impossible to answer, yet so necessary to ask. How far am I, from everything? How disconnected am I? How far am I from you, other human beings, and from the earth? How far am I from beauty, pain, joy, and understanding? How can I fill in this void, how can I close the distance? How can you and I become one? How can I begin to connect myself, truly, to humanity? How can I join my soul with that of the earth? How can I fully give myself to my emotions; how can I completely experience pain and ecstasy? How can I understand anything at all? The more I began to ask questions, the father away I began to feel. The farther I fell into a well of thought. And I continue to fall, but I cannot tell if the direction in which I am falling is down or up. How far away am I? I do not know, and I will not know. And perhaps life is just a chapter in my quest to find out the answer; how far away? Or perhaps the answer is right here, in front of my eyes.






Is there even an answer at all?

Welcome to Phish

Squeezed between a barefoot, tie dyed, and dreaded 20 something and a girl with a painted face hidden under a feathered headdress, I handed over my ticket to a security guard. As my ticket was torn in half and handed back, the steady sound of a heartbeat and Trey’s voice bellowing “In the cool shade of a banana tree” pranced about in the air around me. I broke my way through the barricade of people, and made my way onto the field. A sea full of tie-dye, glow sticks, and ecstatic, swaying bodies greeted me. “Oooh, Fee, you’re trying to live a life that’s completely free!”  Thousands of people swayed and grooved together in one mass of pure joy. As soon as I had stepped into the crowd, I was absorbed into the collective rhythm of swaying, dancing, feeling, being. By the time I had found my place in the crowd, the riffs and chords of Fee had melted effortlessly into the playful beginning of Rift. I had been to a concert before; the mass of sweaty dancing bodies was nothing new to me. But never before, in all my years of music obsession and concert attending, have I seen or felt such a connection to every single person in a crowd. Each note reverberating off of Trey’s guitar, every pluck of Mike’s bass, every key hit by Page, and every cymbal crashed by Fishman, each and every one, resonated in my very being. Before I knew what was happening, I wasn’t just feeling the music, I was moving with it. Without a single thought my body submitted to the rhythm, to the groove, and I was dancing. This wasn’t the simple bob of the head, the casual sway of the hips, or even the widely forbidden ‘grind;’ this was a genre all its own.  My arms wove in and out of each other; my knees gave to the rhythm, my feet kicked, and my head swayed in rhythmic ecstasy. I made my way through the sea of ‘phans,’ constantly grooving and weaving in and out of dancing strangers.  As I migrated closer and closer to the stage, the source of my ecstasy, my hand was grabbed. I was spun around to face a man wearing a kilt and a tie dyed Grateful Dead shirt that was down on one knee in front of me. He held my hand in his, looked into my eyes, and sang along, “Reba dip a ladle for a taste of her creation, and she knew that what she made would be the finest in the nation.” He simply kissed the back of my hand, and grooved on out of my life, just as quickly as he had entered it. Pleasantly flustered, I continued my pilgrimage towards the stage. All around me were smiling, dancing people, many of whom greeted me with nods, hugs, pats on the shoulder, and simple exchanges of joyous energy. As I turn to my right, I see my friend Rachel, grooving to the music that filled the atmosphere. My focus is drawn to a girl with a flower in her hair, latched to her partner by the hand, skipping towards us. She stops directly in front of Rachel, places her lips on hers, and whispers, “hey there, beautiful!” into her ear. Rachel stands motionless, stunned. My body continues to sway and dance, and I laugh in rhythm to the music. Each ridiculous moment, the serenading kilted stranger, the flowered kisser, the headdress-adorned boy who was aptly referred to as “chief,” each moment and interaction wove in and out of each other in a beautifully chaotic dance of life. “Pantomime mixtures of heaven and earth, jumbled events that have less than no worth.” Words, notes, chords, lyrics, harmonies, melodies, smiles, energies, ecstasies; a beautifully chaotic dance of life.  Hours had passed, the first set had come and gone, and the second set was coming to a close, but my body and soul still grooved to the music that was overflowing my very being.  And with the final line, ‘got blank space where my mind should be, space where my mind should be” the lights dimmed and my body slowed down to a standstill. For a brief moment, the crowd was eerily silent, mourning the end of a musical journey. Before I even had time to reflect upon what had just happened, an azure light lit up the crowd, and the melodic beginning riff of Sleeping Monkey restarted the inner groove of every ‘phan.’  The slow cadence of music forced my body back into the ecstatic dance that had become brilliantly familiar to me over the course of the night. Soon my voice went up in song along with every other ‘phan’ in the crowd, along with the man in the kilt, along with the girl with the flower in her hair, and along with the boy in the headdress. “Home on the train, why’d you send my monkey home on the train? The day that you arrived, my sleeping monkey is revived, but you sent him home on the train.”   As Trey’s voice trailed off into the cool summer’s night air, he struck the unmistakable first chord of Tweezer Reprise. A shot of adrenaline pumped through my veins, and my exhausted body grooved more fiercely than it ever had. Every single cell in my body was dancing, singing, feeling, and becoming the music. To this day, I can see Trey jumping about the stage and playing that infamous riff. The lights flashed in a chaotic finale, and the song was over. Trey’s voice filled my ears, “you know what, we’re all having such a great time, and we’ve only got a couple minutes before they kick us off the stage, and we played, uh, Tweezer in Hershey Park, but we never did Tweezer Reprise, so we’re going to play it again! This is for Hershey Park!” And with that single monologue began the most beautiful, ecstatic, and euphoric 4 minutes and 12 seconds of my life.  Tweezer Reprise began all over again, but this time it was even funkier, even more energetic, even more perfect. I no longer danced with the music, I became the music. My energy flowed into that with the person dancing next to me, and his into the person next to him, and everyone was connected and dancing as one, sharing this historic moment in jam history. Tweezer Reprise Reprise. And just like that, it was over. The lights went down for the final time that evening. The man I had been dancing near reached towards me and shook my hand, introducing himself as Matt. As we began the mass exodus out of the concert venue, Rachel, Matt, and I exchanged stories. Matt told us of a marriage proposal, and Rachel relived being kissed by a mysterious woman. Before we parted ways, Matt blew a strand of bubbles in our direction, and yelled, “welcome to Phish!” as he skipped away. Just like that, the evening that taught me to feel music, to be music, to really love and become one with music, was over. I had entered a whole new way of life, and with a smile on my face; I repeated those sacred words to myself, Welcome to Phish.

Stop.

Don't let it sneak up on you like this.
Don't do this to yourself again.

Don't let yourself feel this way again.

Don't let this drag you down again.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

I can't let this break me this time. 

I thought I beat this thing...

I thought I was stronger than it. 

Stop.
Relax.
Breathe.


This will not define me.
Not this time.
I will not lose myself in this.
Not this time.


Stop.
Find your center.
Breathe.

Elements

The other day I found myself asking a good friend, "what is your favorite element, earth, air, fire, or water?" I did not know what kind of answer to expect, or even what my answer would be if I were to ask myself. I was simply taken over by an utter devotion and adoration of the elements that create the world we live in, and I couldn't help but to inquire the insight of an individual whom I both respect and admire. But as I started to toss the question around in my mind, I began to realize how complex a question it was.


Earth, Fire, Air, and Water are known as the Classical Elements, and versions of these elements have been recognized, worshipped, studied, and respected by cultures and civilizations across the globe and throughout history. From Babylon, to Greece; from Tibet and India to Egypt, the elements have been recognized as the core of life since the very beginning of time. They represent not only the building blocks of our world, but also characteristics and tendencies of human nature that reside within each of us. In Hinduism, it is understood that when we die, our body dissolves into the classical elements, and thus we balance the cycle of nature. In Buddhism it is said that each of the four elements represent one of the four sensory qualities necessary to reach enlightenment: solidity, fluidity, temperature, and mobility. In Taoism, it is written that balance, yin and yang, is achieved by the cycle of creation and destruction that comes from the interaction between the classical elements. The four elements reside at the very core of almost every ancient culture, both literally and metaphysically. As I continued to explore the classical elements, I realized that to choose which I connected to the most, I would have to fully understand each of the four elements both on their own, and in conjunction with the other three. I couldn't come to such a decision regarding such powerful forces without first understanding each element and everything it represents.

Earth. 

Earth is stable, earth is nurturing, earth is grounding. 

Earth is at the center of our very existence. 

Earth is the dust from which we are formed, 

and the dust into which we will become once we die. 

From earth comes all life, all lushness, all wealth, and all beauty.

From earth comes stability, 

literal understanding,

nurturing support.

Earth is the roots of our very existence. It grounds us; 

anchors us;

reminds us to be humble. 

Earth is the mountains,

the valleys,

the bed from which plants grow,

and in which creatures live. 

Earth is at our very core. 

It is the template from which we are formed.

It is the substance of which we are made.

Water.

Water is flowing, purifying, soothing, loving and healing. 

It can assume any shape, fill any holes.

It is free of any true form.

It sculpts, and it nourishes. 

It creates and it destroys. 

The water that makes up 70% of our body; 

the water that is essential to our very existence,

can crush us with its raw power,

it can suffocate us

it can tear down our homes. 

Water is an element of power far beyond ourselves.

It is the source of all life,

yet can be the cause of death. 

Water is fluid, it is ever changing

from a peaceful stream to a raging river

Water is divine. 

Water can quench our thirst,

heal our wounds,

water our gardens, our flowers, our trees. 

It is a thing of other worldly beauty and cosmic power.

It is the elixir of life, 

yet it cannot be tamed.

Peaceful, soothing, forceful and deadly.

Water sculpts the earth,

nourishes the earth.

It is essential to every moment of life, 

yet can take a life in a moment.

Air.

Air is an invisible force, 

capable of breathing life into us,

 or blowing away everything we have worked for.

Air is soothing, life giving, unpredictable, and playful.

Air represents all that we cannot see: 

our minds, our spirits, our hearts. 

Air can remain still, or air can come at us in gusts of wind.

It represents the calm before the storm, 

and the chaos within it.

Without air, we are nothing,

yet we cannot forget that air can sweep us in the wrong direction.

Air, with time, can shape the grandest mountain,

direct the wildest river,

spread the most blazing fire.

Air is pure.

Air is subtle.

Air is whimsical.

Air is gentle.

Air is manipulative,

it is powerful,

it is unyielding.

Air fills our lungs and allows us to live, 

yet air creates the tornados that tear apart our earth.

Air is invisible and unpredictable.

Yet this unpredictable force is what sustains our very lives.

Air carries us.

Fire.

Fire is passionate. Fire is impulsive. Fire is dangerous.

Fire is warmth and fire is disaster.

It can cook our food, heat our homes,

and it can burn our world to the ground. 

It can clear paths for new life,

or end life too early. 

It is unyielding, it is driven.

It consumes. 

Yet fire is life. 

Fire is the sun; 

the force that fuels the life of virtually every organism on earth, 

yet in an instant, it can destroy this life.

Fire creates.

Fire transforms;

wood to ash

candle to wax

forest to a barren field.

Fire destroys

but this destruction leaves room for new creations.

For new beginnings.

Fire cleanses with passionate destruction.

The heat of fire is essential to life, 

and to reap its benefits, 

we must wager with the chance of death.

After all this exploration, after all this reflection, after all this thought I have still yet to scratch the surface of the significance, power, and meaning behind the elements. I have yet to fully understand the raw might of fire, the sturdiness of earth, the powerful yet peaceful flow of water, and the invisible force of air. I have yet to comprehend the balance between the elements, the continuous cycle of destruction and creation; death and rebirth. I have yet to find which element truly flows within me, though I have my ideas. Yet what I do know is this: everyday, every moment, I am in the presence of these elements. I experience their interactions, their effects on my environment, their raw power. I only exist because of these elements. I exist because I am these elements. Each one, so seemingly simple, makes up a part of life more complex and interwoven with the universe as a whole than I can ever truly understand. These elements are the very core of life, of existence, of enlightenment, and I have only begun to understand them. While so many things in life are as uncertain as the direction of the wind, I can be sure of this: no matter where I go or who I become, the elements will eternally be a part of me, for they have created me. And one day, they too, will destroy me. 

Reminder

Last night I found myself outside on my front porch for close to two hours watching the skies as a massive thunderstorm rolled in. I watched as the storm surrounded me. I watched as the rain started to fall, and the lightning flashed in every direction. I watched as the rolls of thunder resonated deep within my core. I stood there, nearly unmoving, despite the rain, despite the lightning, despite the thunder, absolutely awestruck. Awestruck by the sheer power of nature, the beauty of nature, the elegance of nature. I was rendered speechless by the poetic destruction and the lyrical chaos. And while a thunderstorm seems so typical during these long, humid summer evenings, each one never fails to astound me. Each clap of thunder and bolt of lightning is a reminder of how mysterious, raw, and unique every force of nature is. Every natural phenomenon, no matter how large or small, reminds us how astounding the universe is.

Nature is, for lack of a better term, absolutely incredible. The surface of our earth is riddled with beauty that far surpasses even the most valuable of man made creations. From the peaks of the Himalayas, to the depths of the Grand Canyon. From the great sequoia trees, to the wildflowers littering Yosemite Valley. From the stars and planets that create our universe, to the specks of sand that form our beaches; every piece of the natural world is meaningful and beautiful on a level far beyond any human comprehension. So often we forget that, as human beings, we too are a part of nature. That we too, are not superior, but rather an essential part of the flow of life and the function of earth as a whole. We forget that the earth is not at our disposal, that nature is not an endless resource of materials meant to benefit us and us only. We must remember, and we must remember now, that we are to live in harmony with nature; that we are to live as part of nature, that we are to respect nature as much, if not more, as we respect ourselves. It is a Hindi belief that things must be destroyed for new things to created. But the human race is destroying at a pace too quick for nature to keep up with. We are working against nature. We are creating substances and devices that modify and destroy the natural beauty of the world from which our very atoms were formed. We are uprooting our very own existence, and we hardly even realize it, we hardly even realize that we are slowly destroying our earth. As a species, we need to take a step back, and take a long look at nature. We need to relearn how to appreciate the beauty, the danger, the impermanence, the nourishment, and the inspiration that nature provides. We need to learn from nature. We can learn that death is just as much a part of living as life is. This we can learn from the Redwood forest; a forest so dependent on forest fires to clear away the dead trees and the brush to make room for new life. We can learn that even the most seemingly stedfast things in life are ever changing. This we can learn from the glaciers that slowly shape our mountain ranges. There is an innumerable amount of lessons to be learned from nature, for our environment is the greatest teacher we will ever have. This truth can be so easily forgotten. But nature never fails to send us a sign, such as thunderstorm, to remind us of the raw power and significance behind everything our earth is home to.