It is time to
get out. This snow is beautiful as it falls on the trees, the forest is the
best playground I could ask for, the river is my second home, but it is not
enough. The people here drain me to the point of utter mental
dehydration.
I’ve tried, but
I just can’t handle them much longer. Their egotistical mindset, focused
on popularity, “coolness,” and all of these petty things, it drives me off the
edge. And then when I try to be happy, they suck the joy out of me. I pursue my
interests, and they call me a poser, they say I am trying to be someone I am
not. I hang out with new friends, and they tell me I am being superficial and
selfish. I do this, I do that, and it is always turned into a negative. Is it
really so hard to let people express themselves, to let people flourish? What
is it that is fogging your perception of happiness? Those drinks in your hands,
those short skirts barley covering your ass, those boys chasing after you, do
you really think that is what happiness is all about? Why can’t I just paint,
read, dance, and meditate my days away in peace? What is the harm in letting me
do what I want? I understand not everyone is like me, but that is what I like
about it. I understand I do not fit into your social “norms,” but I do not
criticize your interests (unless provoked, such as now). I don’t get why you think it is okay to make it harder
for me to live the life I want to live. It has nothing to do with you, so
get the fuck out of my way.
I am so tired
of it here. This town, this school. I have spent my entire adolescence with the
same 130 kids who are in my grade, and that is too much. I want to just up and
leave. Go west. Go to New Mexico, Arizona, California, Washington. I want to
bask in the shadows of the sequoia trees. I want to howl with the coyotes and
sleep under the cacti in the desert. I want to be happy. And yet, somehow, it
is an impossible dream for me to reach.
I can’t
leave yet, it wouldn’t be “acceptable” to break off from society, to leave high
school, to go off on my own. I have been crushed and molded into some sick
stereotype of what is acceptable to do. Go to high school, go to college, get a
job, get married, have kids. Only if I follow that formula, only then, says society,
only then can I reach happiness. I give up, society. If that
is what happiness is to you, I do not want any of it.
I don’t want
your disgusting version of “perfection.” I am done with you controlling my
life. Telling me I have to look a certain way to be beautiful, telling me I
have to think a certain way to be smart, telling me I have to follow certain
rules to be “good.”
I am
done. I am done following your rules. I am done doing your work. I am done
looking the part; acting the part; BEING the part. It is time for me to
experience the world. Me. Not
the “me” you created and conditioned to live a robotic life, but the real me. The one who has been banging at
the doors of existence, just waiting to be given the key. I am going to go out into this world in the
way that I think is right, and for the first time, I can truly say I do not
care what you think about that. Because, society, if you make me so miserable,
why would I ever want your respect anyway?
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